Well hello again. I know…….It’s been 3 weeks since my last post, the longest I have gone without updating. It’s been a rough few weeks and it’s been hard to find time to write; which is odd since I basically lay around all day. The mental and physical exhaustion is taking its toll. Bear with me as I try to remember all the details from the last few weeks.

On October 3rd, I had my 3 month post op appointment. It’s always a little nerve wracking waiting to see the new x-rays. Fortunately, everything looks like it’s in place and healing nicely. We talked about the little progress made with my left leg and learning to walk again. My thigh, calf and foot are still numb but my knee is beginning to “wake” up and my skin in super sensitive and hurts to the touch.  I have been having severe throbbing and sharp pains in my knee and we are trying to figure out of its nerve pain or if I have messed up my knee putting weight on it and walking on it funny. Our guess is, it’s a mixture of both.  I was also prescribed an appetite inducer to try and counter the sick feeling and get me eating again. No progress has been made in the weight gaining department. I am beyond frustrated. I have also noticed as the swelling has gone down, that I have a small hump on my right side now and you can see the screws and/or rods sticking out a bit in some places. I am hoping that changes when I finally get some meat on these bones.

The kids were all sick which was then given to me. Coughing and sneezing after having back surgery is painful. I was miserable. It’s already a struggle day to day. I attempted and failed to go to work two Wednesday’s in a row. I was so sad and depressed about getting the students hopes up. My body is just too tired to hold itself up after an entire morning. I am in the middle of trying to rebuild ALL of my muscles and it’s a slow process of baby steps. I feel like a coat on a hanger. My body wants to fall to the floor but the rods are doing their best to hold me up. As impatient and determined as I am, my body doesn’t do what I want it so desperately to do. T minus two months until Nutcracker and not much has been done. I ended up having my sub FaceTime me the last two weeks so I could watch dances and get some things sorted out. That calmed me a little bit. I am still going to physical therapy twice a week. Today was especially tiring as I was willing to do anything and everything to get me on track to walking normally again. My therapist also wants me to try ski poles instead of a cane.  Sure, that won’t look funky walking around in 90 degree weather out here in California. However, I must admit, it kept me more upright and seemed to help my limp. I guess I’ll be playing the part of sexy ski bunny, minus the sexy.

A family friend had a picture on her Facebook page that said, “Marriage is a walk in the park…………Jurassic Park.” I contemplated keeping this part of my blog to myself. My husband and kids have had to sacrifice a lot these last few months. This will continue for who knows how much longer. Someday, I hope to take all of these short “stories” and put them into a book possibly for my children to someday read and for me to remember. Neil and I have shared basically this whole process with thousands. What started as a way for me to cope with anxiety and fear over this whole experience has in turn helped others all over the World. I feel it only natural to talk about this other little blip in my journey to recovery because it’s all related.

Monday was disastrous. Friday, I didn’t have a helper to come watch the kids and I went through withdrawal, AGAIN, from the anti nausea patches that weren’t ready for me even after sending in the refill 2 weeks prior. Since my doctor never sent in the approval, I was left no choice but to suck it up and get through 3 days of severe nausea and at times vomitting and definitely no eating. Although that was horrendous, I actually came out of it Tuesday feeling hungry for the first time since leaving the hospital. Which is the best news we have had in a long time! Ok let’s get back to Monday, alright? So, Monday, my friend was sick as well and I had to take on the kids amidst the dry heaving and feeling like death. Neil had just spent all weekend, like he has this whole time since my surgery, cleaning the house for the week so people who come over don’t think we are complete slobs. By the time Neil came home from work, I was a mess and the house, well it didn’t look that great either. Unfortunately, I can’t do much around the house and the kids wore me out. By 8 pm, we were both stressed out and between chasing after Will to get pajamas on, Nicky spitting green juice all over our white sheets, and telling Emma to brush her teeth for the 50th time, we began to turn on each other. (As I am writing this, Neil texted me from the boys room that one kid clogged a toilet while another shoved 2 pencils down in the air purifier) I ended up going downstairs after the kids went to bed to listen to my iPod and cry. If you don’t follow me on Instagram, I’ve screenshot my post I made that night below. It was an accumulation of everything just bringing me down and the universe threw me a bone to try and help get me back on track. I absolutely hate that I am this vegetable of a person while my husband runs around doing everything he normally does as well as everything I used to do. It wasn’t a secret I was most worried about my kids and Neil after this surgery and I had no idea how badly things would go with it either. For a while it seemed like my life had gone to hell in a hand basket.  I have always been able to juggle everything and take on a huge amount of stress. It’s not easy and actually quite hard to do. Now I can’t do anything and who knows when I will be able to do anything again. Neil is stressed. I totally get it. Listen………Marriage is tough sometimes. Marriage with 4 kids is even tougher.  Marriage  with 4 kids, and this last 3 months of crap has been taxing on us. Wednesday night as Neil and I cuddled and he lay on my boney shoulder, I thought about how bad I felt that I wasn’t the same person Neil chose to marry. I don’t look the same. I don’t walk the same or much of it. I am depressed and emotional. Very emotional. Even though we were mad at each other, Neil still pulled up a chair to my bed at physical therapy while I did my exercises on Tuesday morning knowing how important it was for him to be there for me. When it counts, he is there and he is my rock. He was so strong and kept it together for me during that whole nightmare at the hospital.  Thinking about that made me silently cry. Who gives a shit about a stupid argument when I have someone willing to chose me everyday even with every tough thing thrown at us?

I swear one of these days I will have a more positive post. Believe me, I want to write one! I hope I just wake up one morning and it all just works. I am sure one day that will happen. I have to continue to power through this and weather the storm.

Now it’s Friday and so far I have cleaned up my own EXTRA large coffee that Will spilled all over the counter that soaked bills, paperwork, a random pair of socks and got under our heavy knife set and metal sodasteam maker. This happened while I was on the phone with customer service dealing with another EXTRA large error made by the costume company and after I ordered 18 costumes, they now realize 4 days after I placed my order that they can’t fulfill that and offered me 10. Will tried to hide the mess by covering it with a car toy set from the play room and a few napkins and towels. He even thought about hiding the ice cubes. Nicky, who isn’t even two, ran to the gate to yell, “Momma, Will made spill!”Now, after dealing with that, they have made their way to the pantry to eat taco shells. Is it bad that I am already excited for bedtime so I can chug a bottle of champagne? I haven’t had a glass of champs in 3 1/2 months and I think I might finally break down and do it.