The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2 1/2 weeks have passed and I am finally feeling well enough to write a little bit. It is unbelievably hard trying to use my brain, stare at my iPad and write when I feel like throwing up in my barf bag conveniently located next to me at all times. It really brings you to a breaking point when you feel so sick to your stomach that you can barely see, let alone eat anything at all. I have been dropping pounds like crazy and with every pound I continue to lose, I also lose my mind. I think I may have figured it out though. I had been on Zofran, Reglan AND a Scopolamine patch, which goes behind my ear, for 10 weeks.  Even with all 3, I am still fairly nauseous. I ran out of my patches and the pharmacy was on back order. Within 2 days of not having patches,  I was so sick I couldn’t leave my bed. I even missed out on watching my Real Housewive shows because I didn’t want to open my eyes for fear of throwing up. Luckily Thursday the pharmacy called and they were able to find a different store who could supply it.

At this point, we have decided that instead of forcing me to try and eat certain things and drinking weight gainer shakes, I am just going to eat whatever I feel like as long as I am consuming a normal amount of calories. I will probably not gain any weight from this strategy but I might be less nauseous and I won’t lose anymore weight. Neil mentioned Arby’s and for some reason, I said yes. He literally bought me 8 Beef and cheddar sandwiches that I have eaten throughout the last three days. It sounds pretty gross, I know. However, I am eating them and not getting sick and throwing them up which is a win for me right now. Eventually I will get back into eating healthier options, but we are concerned with my weight, and  concerned I am burning more calories than I am eating just by my body working hard to heal itself. Last night, Neil drove out to Melo’s and ordered two pizzas since I felt like it. Now I have left overs for breakfast and Lunch this week.

It’s been an emotionally and physically hard week for me. This past week was Neil’s last week off work. Unfortunately the State only covers part of his salary for 6 weeks and his PTO has now been depleted as well. This week started off with Will’s first day at preschool. Last blog I said all I needed were some white sneakers to fit in at the bingo ranch. Well, sadly, I already have them! I didn’t realize it until I got in the car. They look like sneakers the hospital would give out to a fall risk patient. I am so uncool right now. Anyhow, back to Will. He was so excited and happy to go. Meanwhile I was sobbing in the car after drop off. He took my surgeries the hardest and it’s been tough. To see him smile and walk right in to class made my heart melt and when he blew me a kiss from circle time and yelled “I love you”, it sank in that Will is growing up and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Then I look at Nicky and can’t help but feel like a terrible mom to basically miss the the rest of his “babyhood”. Next year, he will be in preschool and to think about how much I have missed while at the hospital and continue to not be apart of while I am upstairs in bed listening to his sweet little voice downstairs really gives me a huge lump in my throat. Nicky is my last baby and I feel awful that I had to have surgery during this last precious year of him at this stage. It literally breaks my heart that I am not as present as I used to be and now it stinks that Neil has to go back before I am even ready to take this on without him especially when there have been some new concerns regarding my back.

This week, I have had a hard time sleeping and have constantly woken up with lower back pain. I am almost all the way weaned off the heavy narcotics so I thought maybe I was just starting to feel what the pain will be like now. I run my fingers down my spine weekly to check if I am still swollen and to feel around my new back when, this week, I noticed an inch size area when something is protruding out. I am not sure if it’s the rod, my bones, a screw but it doesn’t look or feel good and I am majorly freaking out about it. I have been really good about not trying to twist or bend etc. Even in physical therapy if I don’t feel comfortable doing a certain movement due to my spine, I let them know. Of course my mind races to all the HORRIBLE possibilities and what that could mean for me if a wire slipped out of place or a screw came out. I am barely hanging on as it is and to add this shit to it will be devastating. I am going in for another x-Ray or ct scan hopefully this week and it’s just our luck that this is going to need to happen the same week Neil goes back to work.  I try to calm myself down and think maybe I have just lost so much weight that the fat I once had there is gone and so it pokes out in that spot. However, my gut is telling me something isn’t right. I whole heartedly hope I am wrong. I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. If you could keep me in your thoughts and prayers that would mean the world to me.

Since I haven’t been much of a mom the last couple months, Neil gets to see firsthand how the kids destroy a freshly cleaned house. Nicky, who is usually the most well behaved is quickly turning into worst. He is getting into everything and I can’t help but laugh when Neil texts me pictures one after another of the new disaster Hurricane Nicky has made.

So to recap……..I am still sick to my stomach every day of my life, Will started preschool while I started Physical therapy, Neil goes back to work this week, Nicky is really Hulk in disguise and I have some were thing poking out my back. Good times over here at the Wagner’s. God help me get through this.


Mess #1
Mess #2 Also mess #3 was smearing cheese all over the play table
Mess #4 rubbing his chicken nuggets on the fridge and painting with them
Mess #5 dumping all the markers and crayons out Mess #6 was pouring Will’s chocolate milk all over the floor. All within 24 hours….
My Ugly shoes

8 thoughts on “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

  1. Sending hugs as you continue to be amazing, brave, strong, creative and eloquent. Please eat whatever sounds good…your gut is the best judge of what will work. Sometimes things that dieticians consider a problem are the right answer for the individual in question. I think finding food that works is crucial…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I went through a phase where I was sick and losing weight, and like you, I’m very petite and couldn’t afford to lose it. McDonald’s French fries were what I could eat, and eat them I did! Every day, every time I passed a McDonalds restaurant. Let the dietitians keep their advice, and if there’s something you feel like you can keep down, go for it.


  3. Been following you a while now. :D. You are so brave and strong. Even being sick and less than your normal self, know this: those babies love you regardless. You’re alive and there. The rest will come in time. Kids are remarkably elastic. :D. My own kiddos know as mom with a double ‘S’ back that can’t always run and go. But, it’s our normal. They’ve grown up completely happy and adjusted. This will be bump in their memories one day. You keep fighting and taking care of you. You WILL get to a new normal! 🙂 Love and gentle hugs from Middle Tenneessee, USA


  4. I’m a mom of two preschoolers at your kids school. I see you every week and have wondered what your story is. Only last week did I notice something written on your brace (I didn’t want to seem like I was staring). Tonight I remembered the website and looked at your blog. I am touched by your story and as a mother of 3 girls (4, 2 and 5 mon) I can’t imagine not having proper mobility on top of nausea and pain. Hats off to you for a great job you’re doing even if you don’t feel it now. When you see a petite mom with brown hair and a lot of little girls waking in and out of the school, you’ll know it’s me 🙂 I admire your strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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